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1) Who am I?
i am a reader of books and listener to music, a speaker of french, a
player of tarot, a believer in magic and a cynic of gods. i am a sister
to five, a mother to none, a lover to men and a dreamer of women. i am a
worshipper of forests and a hater of wal-mart, a friend to animals and a
squisher of bugs. i am an owner of dogs and a distant admirer of cats, a
hider from sun and a seeker of moon, a student of religion and a watcher
of people. i am a fixer of computers and a holder of hands, a descendant
of celts, an ancestor to no one, a follower of head and a truster in
heart. i am trying not to be pretentious...
2) what path am i on?
well, jeez, that's the question of the century, now ain't it? something
pagan-like with some animism, some atheism, some qabbalism, some
celticism, too much intellectualism, and with a distinct lack of ritual,
goddess-worship, astrology, group activities (covens, etc), a general
distaste for anything "organized" and a healthy fear of cultural
appropriation.
3) what am i looking for?
a clear path. :) to know that i'm doing the right thing, that i'm on the
right track. also sources of info, reliable books, people to talk to, new
ways of doing things - to understand myself and the universe better - to
learn more about tarot and astrology, egyptian mythology & qabala, maybe
some norse - to develop my own divination system (w/ rocks/stones... maybe
similar to runes & tarot combo?) maybe a teacher.
4) why am i here?
to discuss and learn. heh. that's true of life in general, too. to have
a place to talk about what i've found so far; help, info, new ideas;
alternatives to what i already know and do; insight.
5) what have i already done?
i've studied a lot, from an academic p.o.v.: xtianity 0AD - present
(catholicism, major forms of protestantism, some pentacostalism &
charismatics, brief looks at coptic & eastern orthodox xtianity) greek
paganism, roman paganism, early judaism, celtic paganism (& xtianity)
gnosticism, modern paganism (wicca & variants, celticism, brief looks at
golden dawn & masonry) some nat. american mythology in context of
bio-archaeology.
i haven't *done* a whole lot. :) just *looked* and *thought* a lot.
6) what am i working on?
tarot, astrology (mostly in relation to tarot), other forms of divination/
introspection work (i want weirdin disks!) being happier, doing what i
want to be doing, not what i think i should be doing, being bi, writing
erotica, losing weight/being happy with my body, watching porn...
7) what would i like to try?
heh. women. sex-magic, runes, crystal divination, more basic forms of
magic (candle, scrying,?), meditation, energy work, art (painting,
drawing), automatic drawing/writing, rituals and work with hallucinogenic
drugs (maybe this will get me over my ritual-phobia) i want to *do* more
and *read* about less.
8) what things/ideas/entities am i drawn to? (do these things represent
answers or more questions? which & why?)
stones, crows, dogs, forests (the *smell*), birch stands, faeries,
ireland, castles, brighde, fire, springs, oceans & rivers, the moon, the
sun, old houses, winged crow-woman goddesses (isis? brighde? morrigan?)
spirals, eyes, hands...
for me most of these are questions becasue some seem to mean more than
others -the archetypal ones seem obvous (moon, oceans, fire, etc.) *they*
seem to be more answers than questions. (shows that i'm human and maybe
jung was right? heh.) but the others, crows, winged-women, dogs, spirals
stones, old houses & castles (any building made of stone) - these are the
images that i _love_, and the ones that don't seem to make as much sense
from a logical perspective. is it purely aesthetic? do i just think
they're cool? but if so, why? i know plenty of people who are just as
drawn to chinese or norse imagery/mythology as i am to celtic - regardless
of heritage/ancestry. why do some images & symbols speak more to me than
others? why a spiral more than a star? a crow more than an eagle?
9) what are my shortcomings?
impatience, lack of self-confidence, lack of motivation & perseverance
especially if i'm not good at it right away (both related to the
self-confidence thing), forgetfulness, fear, too easily irritated by
people. general wussy-ness.
10) what are my strengths?
ability to love unconditionally is i think my greatest strenth. the way i
can understand my emotions and irrational thought processes. i always
feel very in touch with myself. i'm easily entertained & rarely bored. i
tend to be an optimist even in the worst circumstances. despite my
apparent lack of self-confidence, i secretly know that it will all be ok,
no matter what happens.
11) how do others see me?
y'know, i have no fucking clue. this is like an obsession with me. i
think people see me as nice but scary, sarcastic, spacey, angry, dippy,
nerdy, super-smart, ... depends on who you ask & the context they know me
in. weird. but i always feel like everyone is missing something when
they look at me. even the people who know me best. i don't think anyone
really *knows* me. maybe not even me. :)
12) how do i see myself?
i'm anne of green gables in combat boots. i like swearing & picking
wildflowers. i like 80's speed metal and flowery victorian antiques. i
think i'm smarter than everyone some days, and others i feel like a moron.
i'm a geek with social skills. i'm a walking ball of contradictions -
inside my head i'm still a little kid who's wise beyond her years in this
life. :)
13) where do i want to be in my path/life?
i want to be happier with my work life. i want to do something more
socially responsible/activist related. i want to be a rebel, a
reactionary, a protester and a shaker-upper. or at least work quietly for
those who are. i want to be able to keep my shit together when presented
with a confrontational situation. i want to be able to protect myself
from emotional vampires. i want to be crazier, wilder, freer. i want to
stop worrying & being afraid of weird irrational things like the deaths of
those close to me. i want to learn to play the guitar for real. and
maybe the tin-whistle. i want to get over the things my parents did to
fuck me up. i want to be athletic & energized. i want to have the
courage to say "who cares what you think about me" to ...well, everyone.
to have healthy, happy, stable relationships with friends and lovers. to
know everything. :)
14) where am i now?
i'd say i'm about a third of the way there. i work at hampshire college,
one of the most liberal colleges in the world. i do boring shit, but i
know i help keep the school going. i'm working on becoming more artsy.
somewhere i had got all grey & boring and stopped wearing bright colors.
this morning i biked to work wearing a red & paisley bandanna & purple
chucks. (and red/brown/green flannel plaid pj bottoms) i feel like i
closed a lot of myself off somwhere between the begining of college (93)
and now. and i don't know why or how.
15) how can i get to where i want to be
from here?
i read my weird-ass books on the bus & try to not care or even think about
what someone else *might* think about them. and i need to poke my brain a
lot & figure out where my personality went.
wow. that's too damned long.
-kiwi
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